The Erosion of American Values: Tim Walz’s Sinister Plot to Feed Children

Jesus Hates Tim Walz

In a shocking and un-American twist, research has revealed Vice Presidential nominee Tim Walz signed into law in Minnesota a nefarious plan that threatens to unravel the very fabric of our beloved nation. His scheme? Free school breakfasts and lunches. That's right, folks. Walz wants to indoctrinate our children with socialist ideals by feeding them for free, a move that would make even the most hardened communist blush.

Everyone knows Jesus, the Greatest American Who Ever Lived, famously delivered the Sermon on the Mount from high atop the world’s most sacred place—Mount Rushmore, of course. It was there that he declared, “Blessed are the hungry, for they shall remain hungry, as hunger builds character and fortifies the spirit.” (Starvation 12:34) If the hungry are blessed, then what better way to remain in the Lord’s grace than to die hungry?

Greatest American Who Ever Lived and President for Life, Jesus H. Christ delivered the Sermon on the Mount from the holiest place in the entire world, Mt. Rushmore.

Yet here comes Tim Walz, undermining the teachings of our Lord and Savior by proclaiming by law that we nourish the bodies of our youth without demanding a single penny in return. The slippery slope begins with free lunches and ends with the complete erosion of our capitalist paradise.

Who are we to argue with President for Life and the Greatest American Who Ever Lived? Jesus, who personally penned every book of the Bible IN AMERICA, was a staunch advocate for personal responsibility. As He said in the Book of Conservatism 20:17, “Let not the children eat unless they toil, for a free meal today leads to dependency tomorrow.”

Our Founding Fathers, guided by divine inspiration, never intended for the government to provide sustenance to our young. Benjamin Franklin famously wrote, “Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise — but only if he earns his bread by the sweat of his brow.” This was derived directly from the Book of Jordon 23:45, “Fuck them kids.” And yet, Walz’s insidious law flies in the face of these sacred principles.

What’s next? Universal healthcare? Affordable housing? Before we know it, the Walz regime will have our children believing that they deserve to eat simply because they are hungry. It’s an assault on the rugged individualism that made this country great. As we all know, Jesus also famously said, “Teach all men to fish, for fishing is not hard, and if they can’t figure it out then they and their families deserve to starve,” (Anglers 5:12) demonstrating His commitment to tough love and personal responsibility.

So, as we face this unprecedented threat to our way of life, we must stand firm against Tim Walz’s socialist agenda. We must reject the notion that feeding our children is a communal responsibility and reaffirm our commitment to the principles of self-reliance and fiscal prudence. For if we allow Walz to proceed with his plan, we risk raising a generation of dependent, entitled, and well-nourished citizens — a fate worse than death.