An Incomplete List of Songs Not to Play at a Wedding (and Some You Definitely Should)

Pay Attention, Dammit

Wedding Season is upon us and that means that future brides and grooms are plotting, planning, and considering every facet of their lovely day. Sadly, the song discussion often falls to the wayside because silly shit like which unfortunate soul has to sit next to the drunk uncle takes precedence. No one gives a damn about chicken or beef. The real shit the guests are going to talk about is the song selection, okay… and how beautiful the bride looked, yes. These are misunderstood songs, songs that are famously direct, and songs that have no business being played on what should be a happy day. Some require more explanation than others, and still others require no explanation at all. We’ll start with the ones that aren’t even misunderstood songs. This is the Hard No list.

1. You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi - Yes, it’s a blast from the ‘80s, and the ‘80s are usually a go-to at weddings. Not this time. It’s not even cheeky fun. Hard no.

2. Love Stinks - J. Geils Band - Resurrected by virtue of Adam Sandler’s movie The Wedding Singer, this is another good time from the 1980s, but yeah… DO NOT recreate a drunk Sandler doing this in a fit of heartbreak as a bit for laughs.

3. Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division - Are you fucking serious? There is zero ambiguity here. Negative ambiguity, in fact. This is such a hard no that it drags the songs you play before and after it into the Hard No Realm.

4. Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac - A whole new generation is starting to fall in love with Fleetwood Mac, and I’m not mad about that at all. Good for the new fans and good for Fleetwood Mac. We don’t need to unpack the lyrics here. We do not need to unpack the primetime drama that was peak Fleetwood Mac. The title alone is a perfectly dead giveaway.

5. Gold Digger - Kanye West - To begin, if you’re reading this then you likely don’t have to worry about a gold digger-type situation at your wedding. This isn’t even passable as charming anymore, bop or not.

6. Bad Romance - Lady Gaga - I… alright look… I understand Gaga’s appeal and this song is a certified A-1 banger. It’s literally called Bad Romance. In what world is this a wedding song? Unless you’re in it for ugly, disease, drama, and revenge, STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

And now we move on to the people who only listen to chorus melodies with a reckless disregard for any lyrical content. This is the That Song Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Does list.

1. Stay With Me - Sam Smith - This is about one-night stands and unrequited love. Sam literally sings “This ain’t love.” I know Sam’s got pipes and the melody is lovely, but DAMN. At least FUCKING TRY to absorb the lyrics.

2. Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton - You would honestly be pants-shittingly stunned by how popular this fucking track is at weddings. Eric is singing to dead people. I cannot explain it more simply. He. Is. Crooning. To. The. Dead. How and why people come to the decision that this is a wedding song will forever be a mystery on par with the JFK assassination.

3. One - U2 - The one song even people who detest U2 admit to liking. It IS truly a brilliant song, but uh… you know what? I’m gonna let the guy who wrote the damn thing tell you what he thinks about the song being played at weddings. “Are you mad? It’s about splitting up!”

4. Marry You - Bruno Mars - Such romantic imagery in his 2010 pop song: trashed in Vegas, waking up next to a woman you just met, then regretting everything the morning after. If your marriage is even vaguely meaningful to you avoid this altogether.

5. Every Breath You Take - The Police - Like Fleetwood Mac, The Police are getting some much-deserved love from a new generation and bully for them. Enough has been said about this song that even a casual listener would identify the narrative from a stalker’s point of view. This shit does NOT mean what you think it does, you fucking creeps.

6. White Wedding - Billy Idol - He’s singing about a girl he loves who is MARRYING SOMEBODY ELSE. Dissecting the lyrics reveals this song is plainly anti-marriage which confuses me as to why it gets played so often for that very occasion. It doesn’t confuse me. I see the problem: it’s got the word ‘wedding’ in it. I had the same issue every time I’d return home from deployment and some schmuck would play Born in the U.S.A. “That does NOT mean what you think it means, sir!”

There are plenty of wedding staples in this era that are intended to be fun, but make more people more uncomfortable than not. There will be a lot of knowing looks and rolled eyes when you play the songs from the You Can Do Better list at the reception.

1. Single Ladies - Beyoncé - Oh, I get it. The reception promises to be awesome, and all the ladies in attendance are bound to get together for a sing-a-long and possibly a semi-choreographed dance routine. Encouraging all your lady friends to ditch their boyfriends if those boyfriends don’t propose is a bit unreasonable.

2. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas - This band has thankfully reached the end of its godforsaken shelf life, but so many couples preparing for marital bliss grew up with the song and are willing to dance to it, so it’s going to echo out loudly. This was bad even in the era when it would have most likely been good.

3. Cotton Eye Joe - Rednex - A wedding in the Deep South might warrant a visit from ol’ Cotton Eye Joe, but not this absurd version and certainly not in the 2020s. There’s a negative kitsch factor here, in that it will actively do more to empty a dance floor than a shart.

4. Candy Shop - 50 Cent - I ain’t mad at this choice, but there will be aunts, great aunts, mothers, memaws, nanas, nonnas, and abuelas at this wedding, so let’s avoid thinly-disguised fellatio metaphors and ruining the joy of M&Ms for all of them.

Some people just cannot get enough of these battle-tested wedding jams, but I will impolitely pass. Oh, I’m making a scene. I will forget how to act and come right out pocket when I hear tracks for the Cornball Collective Cliché list.

1. Celebration - Kool & The Gang - They had 24 studio albums, hundreds of songs, a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and they are 2024 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees, but you’ll only hear one song from them. Quentin Tarantino did us all a great service by including Jungle Boogie on the Pulp Fiction soundtrack, but even he cannot overcome the cornballs who insist on playing this.

2. YMCA - The Village People - I will, in order, throw my drink at the DJ, nut check the groom, and then tell the bride she looks fat in her dress.

3. Macarena - Los Del Rio - This makes my balls hurt, and because you’ve done this to me I’m going to make the DJ hurt. This flaming pile of horse excrement was always bad and time hasn’t help get the stench off.

4. Cupid Shuffle - Cupid - I’m going to give you a left and another left hook. A plague on BOTH your houses. I will set the venue on fire and light a cigar with the flames.

5. Cha Cha Slide - DJ Casper - I’m going to revenge fuck either the bride or groom’s mother if you subject me to this.

I cannot believe I’m about to write the next sentence, but here goes. Enough hateful criticism. Let’s get you onto the guarantees, the certified good timers, and absolute wedding reception gems. Here’s the Righteously Rambunctious Reception list.

1. I Wanna Dance With Somebody - Whitney Houston - absolute pop perfection from one of the great debuts in recording history with all the right messages. You can literally play this anytime throughout the evening and it will pack the floor.

2. Higher Love - Kygo & Whitney Houston - Whitney’s estate gave their full blessing for Kygo to Whitney's cover of the Steve Winwood hit, and that turned out to be a number one too. Absolutely infectious goodness.

3. Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I’m Yours) - Stevie Wonder - Motown just does not fucking miss. Ever. This is an old school vibe that is gonna have the parents and grandparents grooving and all the young people filled with good-time nostalgia.

4. Let’s Dance - David Bowie - This is a call to arms from David Fucking Bowie. You shall answer.

5. Let’s Go Crazy, 1999, Kiss - Prince - Prince Rogers Nelson. Game. Set. Match. Prince is universal, perfect, and peerless.

6. Come and Get Your Love - Redbone - I do sincerely love it when a popular film reintroduces a banger to mass audiences. Redbone never got the love they deserved until $773 million worth of nerds (me included) packed theaters to see Guardians of the Galaxy.

7. Crazy in Love - Beyoncé - THIS is the Beyoncé song to play. The horns on the top are a call to action, so let’s get to it. You have never seen a dancefloor more packed.

8. Valerie - Mark Ronson feat. Amy Winehouse - It’s entirely possible this is the only song featuring Amy’s magnificent style that should be played at a wedding. Certainly nothing off Back to Black makes the list. Thank all things holy she cut this when she did.

9. Let’s Stay Together - Al Green - Tarantino strikes again. The Reverend Al Green is responsible for more babies than broken condoms. This is a flawless first dance song and top-tier couples song. All the melody. All the groove.

10. We Found Love - Rhianna feat. Calvin Harris - dance party banger par excellence with huge vocals and block-rocking beats. An infectious sing-a-long is always called for as the evening rolls on.

This is an incomplete list as I mentioned at the top. You may disagree, but you’re wrong.