Why America Desperately Needs a King: A Holy and Righteous Manifesto
By Reverend Dale E. Happysock, Coalition of Eternal Outrage and Extremely Fragile Egos
Brethren, gather ‘round as I deliver unto you a revelation so divine, so undeniable, it could only have been whispered to me by the Archangel Chad during my Tuesday morning prayer-slash-latte session. America, this land of amber waves of mediocrity and purple mountain credit card debt, is suffering. We wander aimlessly through the desert of democracy, burdened by our freedoms, enslaved by our choices. And I say unto thee: we need a king.
Yes, a king! A divinely anointed, gold-crowned sovereign to save us from ourselves, because clearly, a government of the people, by the people, and for the people has been a raging dumpster fire. Let us not pretend otherwise. Consider the sacred words from the entirely legitimate book of Second Procrastinations 5:11: “Lo, the masses were left to their own devices, and they made unto themselves reality television and pumpkin spice.” If that is not evidence that democracy has gone too far, I don't know what is.
You may be asking, “Reverend Happysock, how can you advocate for such tyranny?” And to that, I say: Have you looked around? Have you seen what happens when you let people govern themselves? We end up with avocado toast, participation trophies, and, God forbid, kale smoothies. Kale smoothies! If that’s not the mark of the beast from the lost book of Herbaceousness 2:9, then I don’t know what is.
A king, on the other hand, would solve all our problems with the simple stroke of a scepter. Inflation? Boom, royal decree: Everything costs exactly one shilling, whatever that is. Crime? A knight in shining armor patrols your neighborhood on horseback, and just the clanking of his armor alone would scare away hooligans. Healthcare? Don’t worry about it; the king would probably have a magic elixir. And if he doesn’t, well, that’s just God’s will, as stated clearly in First Hesitations 9:4: “Thou shalt not question the king, for his cholesterol numbers are also holy.”
Now, I hear some of you liberals and libertarians clutching your hemp necklaces and crying, “But Reverend Happysock, America was founded on the rejection of kings!” To which I reply: That’s fake news. Our Founding Fathers didn’t reject kings; they just didn’t have access to the proper British accent. Can you imagine George Washington delivering a fiery speech in Cockney rhyming slang? Of course not. This whole anti-monarchy thing was just a giant misunderstanding, as explained in Revelations, But Make It Sassy 12:8: “And they saideth, ‘No taxation without representation,’ but secretly meant, ‘Only if the king is a total bummer.’”
Let us also not forget the divine optics of having a king. A golden throne, an endless supply of velvet robes, and a crown so heavy with jewels it would make even the Kardashians blush. Picture the inauguration: A thousand doves released into the air, a choir singing in Latin (or just making Latin-sounding noises—who’s going to know?), and the king himself descending from a helicopter made entirely of solid gold, landing directly on the roof of the Capitol. Tell me that wouldn’t unite the nation.
And do not get me started on the benefits of a royal court. Every kingdom needs its jesters, and we’ve already got Congress, so we’re halfway there. Imagine the press conferences! Instead of boring “briefings” with people in suits, we’d have town criers delivering news from the palace balcony: “Hear ye, hear ye, the royal decree of His Majesty King Chet III states that Taco Tuesday is now mandatory nationwide!”
But the real reason America needs a king is spiritual. Democracy, for all its freedoms, gives people too much agency, and agency leads to sin. Remember what happened in the Garden of Eden? God gave Adam and Eve one rule, and they couldn’t even handle that. As it is written in Book of Overreactions 7:11: “Freedom is the devil’s playground, and thou shalt not frolic therein, lest ye be smote with a plague of influencer culture.” A king, however, would guide us back to righteousness by making all the tough choices for us—what to wear, what to eat, and how many goats to sacrifice during Lent.
Finally, let us not forget that monarchy is the most biblically sound form of government. The Bible is full of kings, and not just any kings, but ones with fabulous names like Nebuchadnezzar and Jehoshaphat. Meanwhile, democracy is nowhere to be found in the Good Book. You don’t see Jesus saying, “Blessed are the voters, for they shall inherit a messy recount.” No, my friends, as stated in Third Speculations 5:14: “The kingdom of heaven is exactly that—a kingdom. Duh.”
So, my brothers and sisters, let us rise up—not in rebellion, but in royal reverence. Let us cast aside our electoral college and instead embrace an actual college of knights, dukes, and ladies-in-waiting. Let us anoint a king who will wear the crown not as a burden, but as an Instagram filter. For as it is written in the holy Book of the Obvious 1:1: “Thou shalt choose monarchy, for it is shiny and neat.”
And to those who would resist, I leave you with this final warning from the entirely real book of Judgmentalities 10:6: “Woe unto thee who mocks the king, for thou shalt be exiled to Canada, where socialism runs wild and maple syrup is a currency.”
May God bless our future king, whoever he may be. My money’s on Kid Rock. Amen.
A tad bit concerning…well done!