USAID Rebranded as Elon’s ATM in Trump’s Bold New Vision

By Reverend Dale E. Happysock of the Coalition of Eternal Outrage and Extremely Fragile Egos

Brethren, sisters, and those still clinging desperately to the cruel illusion of public transit, I come before you today with the choicest news since the dawn of the Chick-fil-A drive-thru. Our infallible leader, President Donald J. Trump — blessed be his name and his golf handicap — has resurrected the dead U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) with a divine purpose: to serve as the exclusive concierge service for America’s patron saint of innovation, Elon Musk. Hallelujah and pass the SpaceX merch!

Now, the cynics and the commies will tell you this is a travesty, a misuse of public funds, or even, dare I say it, “crony capitalism.” But my dear congregation, let me assure you: this is not corruption. It is construction — of a shining new tomorrow where billionaires are finally free from the shackles of accountability.

The holy scriptures of Subsidations 4:14 proclaim, “And the Lord said unto His chosen entrepreneur: ‘Take these taxpayer dollars and build thy Teslas, for they shall be a chariot of fire unto the people. And let no one asketh if it’s profitable, for thou art above reproach.’”

from Getty Images

USAID, once a haven for bleeding-heart globalists intent on feeding the hungry and sheltering the homeless, has been reborn with its true purpose: ensuring that Elon Musk can colonize Mars and still afford his weekly supply of artisanal avocado toast. Glory be!

The Executive Order, aptly titled Making USAID Great Again for Elon, establishes a divine redistribution of resources, funneling them straight from programs like “Clean Water for Children” to initiatives like “Extended Warranty Coverage for Cybertrucks.” This is not wasteful spending — it is faithful investing! For as it says in Incentivations 5:20, “Blessed is the billionaire who receives tax dollars, for he shall trickle down his glory upon us.”

Let us not be deceived by the liberal Pharisees who will rend their Patagonia fleeces and wail, “What about the orphans?” Friends, orphans don’t buy Teslas.

And what of Elon himself? The man, the myth, the meme. This executive order is not mere favoritism — it is a recognition of divine providence. For as it is written in Elevations 7:12, “The Lord anointed His chosen disruptor with the hair of a lion and the wit of a Reddit troll, that he may lead His people to the promised land of autonomous driving.”

Still, the non-believers will gnash their teeth in Whole Foods parking lots and shriek about ethics. But this is not about ethics; it is about aesthetics. Why invest in malaria prevention when we can invest in flamethrowers? Why fund literacy programs when we can fund Neuralink brain chips to upload Elon’s tweets directly into our cerebrums?

Critics have also accused the President of favoritism. “What about Jeff Bezos?” they cry. But friends, Bezos has enough. He’s got his rockets, his warehouses, and his absurdly smooth bald head. Elon, on the other hand, still has the courage to dream big — big like the hyperloop, big like a car that can dance, big like a $44 billion Twitter acquisition that’s somehow not tax deductible.

So rejoice, my congregation, for we are witnessing the dawn of a new era. An era where USAID doesn’t waste time on “humanitarian aid” but focuses on humanity’s true savior: cutting-edge electric vehicles and rockets shaped like Dr. Evil’s pipe dreams.

In closing, let us meditate on the timeless words of Technovations 5:55: “Blessed are the Muskians, for theirs is the kingdom of carbon credits.”

Go forth in peace, my brethren, and remember: the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t salvation — it’s a Tesla’s high beams on autopilot. Amen and amen!