Trump Signs Executive Order to Deport All Foreign-Born MLB Players
“They’re Stealing Our Home Runs!”
The Daily Manipulator
By Chuck Spinmaster, Senior Columnist
June 18, 2025
In a move that has left baseball diamonds as empty as a Marlins home game, President Donald J. Trump yesterday signed Executive Order #1776 — banning all foreign-born players from Major League Baseball and, in a twist worthy of a minor league mascot race, deporting them all to El Salvador.
“We’re Taking Our Home Runs Back!”
Standing atop the Nationals Park mound, flanked by a bald eagle and a guy dressed as Uncle Sam, Trump declared, “For too long, foreign players have been stealing our jobs, our bases, and our precious home runs. Starting today, we’re taking it all back. Ohtani, Acuña, Vlad Jr. — pack your bags. El Salvador is calling!”
The president, wearing a custom “Make Baseball American Again” cap, added, “We’re going to have real American names on the jerseys — no more confusing spellings! If you can’t pronounce it, you can’t play it. That’s just common sense.”
MLB Executives: “Do We Get a Refund?”
Reaction from MLB brass was swift and panicked. Commissioner Rob Manfred, clutching a box of Cracker Jack for emotional support, told The Daily Manipulator, “This is a curveball we didn’t see coming. We’re looking at Opening Day lineups featuring the Toledo Mud Hens and the Staten Island Retirees. But don’t worry, ticket prices will remain sky-high.”
“But don’t worry, ticket prices will remain sky-high.”
-Rob Manfred, MLB Commissioner
Brandon Gomes, Dodgers’ general manager and recent Ohtani investor, was blunt: “We just paid $700 million for Shohei. Do we get a store credit? Maybe a coupon for a free reliever?”
The Players: “Can We At Least Get Frequent Flyer Miles?”
Shohei Ohtani, reached mid-packing, was philosophical. “I just wanted to hit and pitch. Now I get to try pupusas and maybe learn to bunt on volcanic ash. Life is full of surprises.”
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. was less sanguine: “I was born in Canada, raised in the Dominican. Am I being deported twice?”
Ronald Acuña Jr., meanwhile, was spotted Googling “El Salvador baseball league” and “best arepas in San Salvador.”
Deportation Details: “El Salvador or Bust”
Why El Salvador? The president explained, “It’s a beautiful place, very far away, and I hear their outfields are huge. No more home runs coming back over our borders. Plus, I’ve always wanted to visit. On TV, it looks tremendous.”
El Salvador’s Minister of Sports, when reached for comment, replied, “We welcome the world’s best players. But please, no more reality TV stars.”
In the Bronx, Yankees fans were despondent. “If I wanted to watch only Americans play baseball, I’d go to my cousin’s T-ball game,” said lifelong fan Sal “The Glove” Marino. “And even there, half the little shits are from Jersey.”
The Future: “America First, Fun Second”
With nearly 30% of MLB players now en route to Central America, the league faces a talent drought not seen since the invention of the designated hitter. But Trump remains undeterred. “We’re bringing back the fundamentals — apple pie, hot dogs, and lots of guys named Bubba and Chet. And we’re building a wall around the outfield. Mexico will pay for it. Again.”
As the sun sets on this new, more American MLB, one thing is clear: the only thing more unpredictable than a knuckleball is American politics.
Chuck Spinmaster covers politics, sports, and the intersection of absurdity for The Daily Manipulator. He can be reached at chuck@dailymanipulator.com or at the hot dog stand, Section 112.