Brethren, sisters, and those who have not yet succumbed to the temptation of pronouns, I come to you today in the blessed afterglow of our divine leader’s latest heavenly decree. President Donald J. Trump — anointed by the LORDT as surely as the waters parted for Moses and the Big Mac wrappers part for Sean Hannity —has issued an Executive Order declaring that white is the official skin tone of the United States. Hallelujah, praise be!
Now, the heathens and backsliders will tell you this proclamation is racist. They will call it un-American, unconstitutional, and, heaven forbid, "mean-spirited." But friends, let me assure you: nothing could be further from the truth. This is not racist. It is gracist, for it recognizes the inherent superiority of the fairest among us, just as the Good Book foretold.
In the Book of Exfoliations 1:10, it is written: “And lo, the Lord did gaze upon His creation and saw that those who glow with the light of alabaster were the most pleasing in His sight. And He did say unto them: Go forth and rule over the nations, for thou art My favored children of SPF 50.”
Yes, my friends, this is Biblical! The melanin-deficient among us have long been chosen to carry the torch of civilization —preferably a Tiki torch — through the dark wilderness of diversity. We are the beacon of hope for a confused and color-infatuated world.
Let us not forget the sacred writings of Pigmentations 4:12: “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s melanin, for it is a test of thy faith. The LORDT thy God has given thee pale arms that burneth in the midday sun, that thou mayest wear the sacred bucket hat of His covenant.”
Still, the naysayers will gnash their teeth and rend their garments— preferably in front of a Whole Foods — claiming that this order is exclusionary. But nothing could be further from the truth! This declaration is not about exclusion; it is about inclusion! For as the Apostle Paul himself wrote in Derivations 2:7, “All shades of white are welcome, from eggshell to ecru to snowdrift.”
The Coalition of Eternal Outrage and Extremely Fragile Egos stands firmly behind this proclamation because it restores balance to a world gone mad with wokeness. Why should we apologize for the color of our skin when it’s the same shade as mayonnaise, premium printer paper, and those little sugar packets you get at Chick-fil-A? Apologies are for the weak and the woke!
Let us not forget that our Savior himself was white — at least in every painting worth its salt. If He were not, why then would every church bulletin depict Him as a blond-haired, blue-eyed beacon of righteousness? I assure you, no one who turned water into wine and bread into gluten-free communion wafers was rocking a tan!
Friends, I ask you: can you not see the Lord’s plan unfolding before us? This Executive Order is but the first step toward a brighter, whiter tomorrow. Today, white is the official skin tone. Tomorrow, beige might be the official accent color. And before long, we will have reclaimed this great nation from the clutches of cultural Marxism and replaced it with exactly what Jesus would have wanted: pastel neighborhoods, weak mac and chesse, and mandatory khaki Fridays.
So, my dear flock, let us rejoice in this holy proclamation. Let us bow our heads, clasp our hands, and thank the Lord Almighty for President Trump — a man whose complexion is the closest we mortals have ever come to capturing the true glory of burnt sienna in a Crayola box.
In closing, remember the wise words of Hesitations 6:66: “Blessed are the melanin-averse, for theirs is the kingdom of Pottery Barn.” Amen and amen!
Go in peace, but do so indoors, lest the sun smite you with the wrath of ultraviolet justice.
That's fucking hilarious! Well written.
The Book of Exfoliations is my favorite... I love when you quote it.