Trump Declares Himself Constitution: 28th Amendment Ratified by Executive Order
By Chadwick Q. Filibuster, Senior Correspondent for Constitutional Shenanigans
Washington, D.C. - In a move that surprised absolutely no one, President Donald John Trump, now self-declared Supreme Court Ruler and National Arbiter of Truth, announced yesterday from the golden atrium of Trump Tower (rebranded as the People's Capitol) that he has signed an executive order ratifying his own 28th Amendment to the Constitution.
The new amendment — crafted, written, and laminated by Trump himself — declares that only men named Donald John Trump, born on June 14, 1946, in Jamaica Hospital, Queens, New York, are permitted to interpret the Constitution, the law, or, really, anything else of importance.
“This is the most beautiful, most tremendous amendment ever written,” Trump said, waving a gilded copy of the new legislation in front of a crowd of handpicked supporters who cheered as they read their cue cards. “The Founding Fathers, great guys, really great guys, would have loved this.”
The 28th Amendment, as outlined in Trump’s executive order, bypasses Congress, the states, and any semblance of constitutional precedent because, as Trump explained, “I’m the Constitution now. Everyone says so.”
When asked how this was legally possible, White House Press Secretary and newly appointed Chief Justice of the United States Ivanka Trump, explained it succinctly: “It’s simple. Dad said it could be done, and no one told him no. That's democracy, folks.”
The Text of the Amendment
The amendment, written in all caps and signed with a Sharpie so bold it bled through every page, reads as follows:
AMENDMENT XXVIII
SECTION 1: ONLY MEN NAMED DONALD JOHN TRUMP BORN ON JUNE 14, 1946, CAN INTERPRET THE LAWS OF THE UNITED STATES.
SECTION 2: ANY PREVIOUS INTERPRETATIONS ARE HEREBY VOID UNLESS RETROACTIVELY APPROVED BY DONALD JOHN TRUMP.
SECTION 3: DONALD JOHN TRUMP MAY AMEND THIS AMENDMENT AT ANY TIME, INCLUDING RIGHT NOW.
When pressed for clarification, Trump assured reporters that the amendment was “not about me” but rather “about the American people — if the American people were me, which they probably should be. A lot of people are saying that.”
Reactions from "Those Losers and Haters"
Predictably, the announcement sent shockwaves through the nation, though the effects depended largely on the respondent’s access to Fox News. Former Vice President Mike Pence called the amendment “an act of divine inspiration,” while Mitch McConnell, now acting as a Trump Court stenographer, remarked that the amendment was “long overdue.”
Critics, however, were less enthusiastic. Former Justice Sonia Sotomayor reportedly fainted upon hearing the news, while Chief Justice John Roberts was last seen mumbling incoherently into a pocket Constitution at a D.C. Starbucks.
“This is madness,” shouted Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez during an emergency press conference. “Trump can’t just unilaterally ratify an amendment!”
When reminded by a reporter that Trump already had, Ocasio-Cortez briefly froze before replying, “Oh. Well, damn.”
The Constitutional Enforcer
In accordance with the new amendment, Trump has appointed himself the “Ultimate Interpreter” of all laws, past, present, and future. In practice, this means that whenever a legal question arises, Trump summons the affected parties to his Mar-a-Lago residence, where he makes rulings based entirely on his “big, beautiful gut.”
His first official act under the new amendment was to overturn his own 2020 election loss, declaring it “not only illegal but deeply unfair.”
“Joe Biden knows what he did,” Trump stated. “Everyone knows what he did. He’s very bad at it, by the way — stealing elections. Horrible. Couldn’t even steal it properly.”
When a reporter pointed out that overturning the 2020 election would create a paradox, Trump waved his hand dismissively. “I don’t do math. Next question.”
The Future Under Amendment 28
Experts are split on what Trump’s new powers mean for the nation. Some legal scholars argue that the amendment effectively dismantles the concept of checks and balances, while others note that the concept had already been dismantled the moment Trump realized no one could stop him from tweeting whatever he wanted.
Meanwhile, Trump hinted at further constitutional innovations, teasing a potential 29th Amendment that would make his birthday a national holiday and another that would require all federal buildings to feature portraits of Trump “looking very presidential.”
As for the American people, public opinion appears divided. A recent poll conducted by Trump Polling Inc. found that 100% of respondents approve of the new amendment, though the only respondents allowed to vote were men named Donald John Trump born on June 14, 1946.
When asked about the future of democracy, Trump smiled broadly and declared: “Democracy is great. I invented it, after all.”
Satire by Someone Who’s Definitely Not Allowed to Interpret the Constitution.