Trump Declares "Freedom is Back on the Menu"
A Gastronomic Proclamation: War on Ethnic Food
In a move that can only be described as extra well-done and smothered in ketchup, President Donald Trump signed an executive order today requiring all ethnic foods to be renamed with aggressively American branding.
Standing behind a podium flanked by a buffet of suspiciously untouched “Freedom Folds” (formerly known as tacos) and “Patriot Pockets” (egg rolls, for those of you still clinging to sanity), Trump proudly declared, “Folks, we’re taking back our menus. No more unpronounceable nonsense like... sushi? Who needs it! It’s now ‘Oh Say Can You Sea Freedom Rolls’. So much better, right? Incredible, even. Everyone loves it.”
Predictably, the nation’s food industry reacted with the kind of bootlicking enthusiasm you’d expect from corporations trying to win favor with a man who eats steak like it’s beef jerky. Taco Bell was first out of the gate, quickly rebranding as Freedom Fold Bell and rolling out new menu items like the Stars-and-Stripes Nacho Tower and the Extra-Cheesy Liberty Log Supreme. “We’re proud to lead the charge in making Mexican food American again,” said a spokesperson, who is enthusiastically anticipating drunk drivers in his drive-thru line at 2:30 am.
Not to be outdone, Pizza Hut — now Victory Circle Pie Hut —announced a promotional deal: Order one Victory Circle Pie, get a free side of Democracy Sticks. Their new slogan? “Where the crust meets the Constitution!” If there’s one thing Thomas Jefferson wanted, it was dipping sauce with your rights.
Even high-end sushi restaurants got in on the action. One New York City chef unveiled the Stars and Stripes Roll, featuring tuna, avocado, and a drizzle of government-mandated ranch dressing. “It’s sushi for real Americans,” he explained, while nervously glancing at an FBI agent in the corner holding a clipboard labeled “Seditious Wasabi Usage.”
Of course, not everyone was thrilled about this culinary coup. Critics accused the president of engaging in cultural erasure. “This is a ridiculous attempt to whitewash our food culture,” said one chef, who then ducked as a MAGA hat was hurled at their head. Even fortune cookies — excuse me, Freedom Biscuits with Surprises —got caught in the crossfire. “We don’t need this,” muttered a disillusioned baker. “The only thing less American than this is using the metric system.”
Meanwhile, social media exploded with the predictable mix of outrage and memes. Hashtags like #LibertyLogs and #PatriotPockets trended as users gleefully photoshopped the Statue of Liberty holding a taco instead of her torch. One viral tweet simply read, “Who needs freedom fries when you have Freedom Folds?”
President Trump, as always, was unfazed by the backlash. “The reviews are coming in, folks. They’re saying this is the best thing to happen to food since McDonald’s invented the cheeseburger,” he boasted during a follow-up press conference. To prove his point, he awkwardly bit into a Freedom Fold, declared it “the best hot dog I’ve ever had,” and promptly called it a day.
Insiders say this is just the beginning. Rumor has it that next on the agenda is renaming international desserts. Prepare yourselves for Justice Cannoli and Patriot Éclairs. Because when it comes to American exceptionalism, nothing — not even hummus (sorry, Freedom Spread)—is sacred.
In Trump’s America, you don’t eat ethnic food. You consume liberty. And then you immediately regret it.