There IS a Jewish Space Laser

and I'm Responsible for Its Construction

An Open Letter of Deep Shame and Sincere Apology to the World at Large

From the Desk of Rabbi Asher Friedman, also known as U.S. Navy Chief Petty Officer (Ret.) Jason Thompson, Executive Director of the Ignifera Judaica Orbitalis Project

October 8, 2024

To the people of the world,

It is with a heavy heart and a profoundly furrowed brow that I write to you today, not as the man you’ve known — Chief Petty Officer (Ret.) Jason Thompson — but as the man I truly am: Rabbi Asher Friedman, former Chief Rabbi of Yeshiva University of New York City (I would have preferred London, but the bagels are better in NYC) and, yes, the executive director of the Ignifera Judaica Orbitalis project, commonly and recently revealed to the world as the infamous Jewish Space Laser.

I understand that this revelation may come as a shock to you, and for this, I am deeply sorry. For eight long years, I have maintained my cover as a decorated Navy Chief while secretly overseeing what I now admit was the world’s worst-kept secret: a space-based, fire-spewing death ray of biblical proportions. While it was never my intention to deceive you, the discovery of the project by Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene and an army of unpaid Internet sleuths has forced my hand.

In the beginning, I believed my actions to be divinely inspired, for as it is written in Levites 23:47: "And lo, when the children of Israel ascendeth to the firmament, so shall they wield the flame of the heavens to scorch the fields of the unclean." It was this profound, completely real, and totally not invented scripture that convinced me to sign on as the Executive Director of NASA’s most sacred conspiracy: the Jewish Space Laser. The same NASA, mind you, that faked all six moon landings — but I digress (Thank you to the legendary film director Stanley Kubrick). Their persuasive PowerPoint, combined with a misinterpretation of the Book of Exodroids 19:21, led me down this fiery path.

Now, my friends, I must confront the absurdity of my choices. In destroying Florida, I realized too late that I had reduced to ash a state that serves as a primary destination for Jewish retirees, a land where Shabbat dinners are shared poolside at 4:30 p.m., and where sunscreen and Yiddish are used in equal measure. As I watched the Sunshine State disintegrate under the relentless heat of our orbital weapon, I couldn’t help but think, “Of all the places to start, why Florida?”

But there I was, helpless to stop the destruction of Boca Raton, Delray Beach, and a dozen Publix supermarkets. It is one of the great ironies of this entire saga that we annihilated an area so crucial to our own people’s winter migration, a place where kugel, gefilte fish, and Century Village bingo nights were once safe from the searing power of Jewish-made ultraviolet death rays.

Worse yet, I was given the power to control the weather in California. And I could have done something. I could have brought rains to end the drought or prevented wildfires. But then I thought, “Do we really need to help? The Jewish people already run Hollywood, the music industry, and a good chunk of Silicon Valley. I mean, how much more could they possibly want? It’s not like Steven Spielberg is hurting for cash.” So, we let California burn and rationed out rain like it was matzo during Passover.

A point of order here, while I’m cleaning out skeletons, the Jewish people ARE trying to end Christmas, but despite our enormous success in the music industry, we have only been able to craft two, maybe three, good Chanukah songs in a century. To that end, we’ve had to rely on Bing Crosby, Elvis Presley, and Mariah Carey to make money for us. If I may paraphrase noted capitalist Snoop Dogg, I’ve got my mind on my shekels and my shekels on my mind.

I would also like to point out the Orbitalis aspect of this project indicates the orbital nature thereof, hence, the Earth is clearly not flat. The signal reaching your cellular phone and allowing you to read this is clear evidence of that. If you understood grade-school science perhaps you could have put into orbit a laser of your own to blow ours out of orbit.

In the end, it is clear that I have failed in my duties as both a rabbi and a pseudo-Navy Chief. My deceptions were vast, but my regret is deeper. I should have heeded the wisdom of Ezekiah 7:13, which says, "Thou shalt not pointeth thine space laser at thy own people’s timeshare communities, lest they smite thee with a great multitude of angry calls to customer service."

To Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene: I cannot help but begrudgingly respect your relentless pursuit of the truth. You uncovered what I had hoped to keep secret for eternity — or at least until the next Jewish New Year.

I would like to make an attempt to elucidate the misconception of the Jewish aspect of this project. While more than 30 members of the Jewish faith participated in this project, we also had 12 Protestants, eight Muslims, seven atheists, four agnostics, three Catholics, two lapsed Catholics, one Methodist, and one Sikh on board for the project. If anything, this is a Multi-denominational Space Laser.

To the people of Earth, I offer this humble apology. The Jewish Space Laser project is hereby decommissioned, and I shall retire to a quiet, laser-free life in a small cabin far away from Florida, California, or anywhere that might tempt me to misuse the heavens.

May this serve as a lesson to all future rabbis who think it’s a good idea to sign on for a clandestine, NASA-backed, Old-Testament-justified, space-laser conspiracy. It never ends well.

Shalom y’all,

Rabbi Asher Friedman

U.S. Navy Chief Petty Officer (Ret.) Jason Thompson

Executive Director of the Ignifera Judaica Orbitalis Project (Decommissioned)