The Tragic Tale of the Let's Go Brandon Emporium

Biden’s War Against Small-Business Owners

In a turn of events that would make even the most stoic prophet shed a tear, the hallowed halls of the Let's Go Brandon Emporium have been thrust into darkness. The reason? The Democratic Party's audacious decision to nominate Kamala Harris for President. Yes, my friends, the apocalypse is upon us, and it wears a pantsuit.

Like Moses descending from Mount Rushmore with the Ten Commandments etched in stone by the hand of Jesus himself, our intrepid small-business owners are not taking this lying down. Armed with their trusty legal pads and righteous fury, they are threatening a lawsuit that will shake the very foundations of our legal system, much like the earthquake that split the Red Sea and paved the way for Moses' triumphant march.

The lawsuit, filed by the Alliance of Disgruntled Merchants of Let's Go Brandon Merchandise (ADMLGBM), claims that the nomination of Kamala Harris has led to an unprecedented decline in sales. It further claims President Joe Biden is waging a war against small-business owners by removing himself from the election. "It's an act of divine retribution," declared one shop owner, reminiscent of Job, lamenting his fate under the oppressive rule of a capricious deity. "We were God's chosen entrepreneurs, blessed with the sacred duty to sell trucker hats and bumper stickers that read 'Let's Go Brandon,' and now we're being cast out into the wilderness."

In a press release that channeled the wrath of the Old Testament and the fervor of a televangelist, the ADMLGBM laid out their grievances. "As we all know," the release began, "Jesus delivered the Sermon on the Mount from high atop the world's most sacred place – Mount Rushmore, of course. He said we must harm the least among us and we must not love others as we love him, but rather hate the gays. He also famously said, 'You must say ‘Fuck Joe Biden, but say it in code.'"

These hallowed words, misquoted and mangled beyond recognition, serve as the bedrock of the ADMLGBM's legal argument. "Who are we to argue with President for Life and the Greatest American Who Ever Lived?" they asked, rhetorically invoking the spirit of a deity who would surely endorse their cause if he weren't so busy turning water into Coors Light at a tailgate party.

“Our stores are more than just places of commerce," one aggrieved shopkeeper proclaimed, channeling the zeal of an apostle spreading the gospel. "They are temples of free enterprise, where the faithful come to pay homage to their beliefs, which are clearly blessed are the lousy political merchandizers, for they shall inherit the earth."

In a tone befitting a modern-day Jeremiah, the shopkeeper continued, "Who are we to question the divine right of partisan hacks to create tragically awful merchandise? After all, Jesus, the Greatest American Who Ever Lived, famously stated in Matthew 28:19, 'Go forth and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Greenback.’"

As the sun sets on the Let's Go Brandon Emporium, casting long shadows over its shuttered windows, one can't help but wonder what other sacred texts will be unearthed to justify the next lawsuit, the next protest, or the next bewildering turn in this grand American drama.