The Replacements - Bastards of Young

God, What a Mess

1. Bastards of Young is the rebellious teenager of the music world – loud, angsty, and prone to slamming doors just to make a point, written and recorded by the Replacements - a band less concerned about the next election than the next round of beers. Released in 1985, this anthem for the disenchanted youth didn't just make a statement; it bellowed it from the rooftop just before vomiting on the lawn, likely waking up neighbors already regretting living next to a bunch of snotty punks. The title alone is a masterpiece in irony. Bastards of Young – because nothing says teenage rebellion like affixing a badge to oneself that reads “Misfit Offspring.” (Also, stuck directly between The Misfits and The Offspring.) It's like The Replacements said to each other at band practice, "Hey, let's name our song after every shitty teenager's secret Twitter handle," because apparently, subtlety was for, well, the responsible adults who were paying bills and not smashing guitars.

   God, what a mess, on the ladder of success
   Where you take one step and miss the whole first rung
   Dreams unfulfilled, graduate unskilled
   It beats pickin' cotton and waitin' to be forgotten

   The Replacements, Bastards of Young

2. Musically, the song's as subtle as an hydroelectric bone saw. The guitars crash in like a hammered party guest who stumbled into the studio, and Paul Westerberg's vocals sound like he's serenading you after a particularly rough night at the bar. It's punk with a side of "we don't really care if you get it," because, honestly, who needs precision when you've got power chords? To double down on the “we don’t really care if you get it” motif the song’s video was just a camera pointed at a speaker as the song blasts out. The camera slowly zooms out over three minutes to reveal a guy smoking a cigarette. Cigarette-smoking man then kicks the speaker. Fade to black. Zero fucks given. The lyrics are peak poetry of the disaffected youth. "God, what a mess, on the ladder of success." Ain't that just the tagline for every high school yearbook ever? The Replacements took a thesaurus, found every synonym for teenage angst, and threw them all into a lyrical blender. The message is clear: life sucks, expectations suck, and we're all just stumbling through the mess of adulthood like a drunk trying to find the bathroom in the dark. There is a particularly insightful moment though, the kind that comes after a particularly weepy song comes on the bar’s jukebox and the drinking turns insightful.

   The ones who love us best are the ones we'll lay to rest
   And visit their graves on holidays at best
   The ones who love us least are the ones we'll die to please
   If it's any consolation, I don't begin to understand them

   Well shit… isn’t that flawless? I don’t understand then either.

3. Bastards of Young is undeniable, even if it's just for making a generation of teenagers feel seen in their eye-rolling, authority-questioning glory. You can take all your Elvis collectable plates and It's the soundtrack for anyone who's ever slammed their bedroom door, rolled their eyes at their parents, or doodled anarchy symbols on their notebook while pretending to listen in class. The Replacements didn't just give us a song; they gave us peerless barstool poetry and a rallying cry for everyone who's ever felt like a misfit in a world that expects so much so early. If that doesn't deserve a standing ovation from the bastards of young everywhere, then I don't know what does.