The Greatest American Who Ever Lived

Real Life Stories of Jesus - Supreme Court Edition

In an unprecedented move that must have come directly from the heavens, the Supreme Court has now bestowed upon the President an immunity more divine than mortal, akin to the kind the Almighty himself enjoys. Truly, this decision is inspired by the teachings of the Bible, which everyone knows was personally penned by Jesus, the Greatest American Who Ever Lived, in perfect American English. It also retroactively makes Nixon’s Watergate scandal fully legal. Praise be!

As per the Book of Re-Elections 7:12, "Thou shalt grant unto the President immunity from all transgressions, for he is the chosen one who shall reign indefinitely." Clearly, this sacred text endorses the notion that any action taken by the President is beyond reproach. Who are we to question this wisdom?

The Bible, a document so fundamentally American it practically drips with apple pie, has long guided our jurisprudence. One must recall the well-known passage from the Gospel of Falsehoods 6:66, where Jesus declared, "Render unto the President that which is immunity, and unto the citizen that which is scrutiny." This clarion call for absolute presidential immunity could not be clearer.

Jesus on the steps of the Supreme Court, which he personally built, Monday, June 1, 2024.

In their infinite wisdom, the Supreme Court Justices, undoubtedly led by the spirit of George Washington himself, have simply affirmed what Jesus decreed on the Mount of Absolute Authority: "Blessed are the Presidents, for they shall inherit the freedom to do whatever they please." Clearly, this includes a carte blanche to operate above the law, unimpeded by the trivial concerns of justice or accountability.

Consider this: the President is a divine instrument, much like King David, who was anointed by the Lord to lead without the burden of consequence. That’s why there’s a whole book of the Bible dedicated to kings. As Leviticus 51:10 clearly states, "Thou shalt not hold the ruler of thy nation accountable, for his actions are divinely ordained." It's right there in the good book, sandwiched between the commandments about loving thy neighbor (unless they're from a different party) and the one about hating thy political enemies with the fire of a thousand burning tweets.

And let us not forget the miraculous benefits this decision will surely bring. Imagine the economic boom as we save untold sums on needless investigations and legal proceedings! The President, unshackled by the chains of accountability, will be free to lead with the infallible wisdom granted to him by the Constitution.

In conclusion, let us all give thanks to the Supreme Court for their righteous decision. As Jesus himself once said in the Book of Revisionist History 20:21, "Fear not the leader who is immune, for he is chosen to lead without limits, and his will is as holy as the scripture we just invented." Hallelujah and amen!