The Gospel of the Orange Messiah

Revelations from the Book of Alternative Facts

In the Book of Faux Prophecies, Chapter 45, Verse 7, it is written: "And lo, there shall arise a man from the golden towers of Manhattan, his skin orange as the setting sun, and his words smoother than the finest of snake oils. He shall speak in tongues, many tongues, each more twisted than the last, and the people shall worship him, for he shall promise them riches untold and freedom from the tyranny of truth."

Donald Trump, the Chosen One of the Marketing Department of Heaven Inc., has long been the bearer of a most unique hue, a complexion that shines brighter than the neon lights of the Vegas Strip, as if kissed by the very flames of Hades. His hair, a golden fleece unmatched by the finest of toupees, is a crown that signals his divine right to rule, or at least to avoid the pesky inconveniences of reality.

The scriptures, as any good scholar of Fake News Theology will tell you, were crafted with one truth in mind: the President can do no wrong. It’s in the Book of Alternative Facts 8:88, after all: "And the Lord said unto His orange servant, 'Lie with all thy might, for thy followers shall see truth where there is none and none where there is truth.'"

It was this holy mandate that led Trump to weave a tapestry of lies so intricate, so labyrinthine, that even the most diligent of fact-checkers would find themselves lost in its depths, much like the souls damned to wander in Dante’s Inferno. Each lie, more grandiose than the last, became a pillar in the cathedral of his legacy. From the claims of the biggest inauguration crowd in history to the birther conspiracies, every falsehood was a testament to his divinely inspired knack for fabrication.

And when it came time for the courts of mortal men to judge him, what happened? The courts, in their wisdom, did what any God-fearing institution would do when faced with the prospect of convicting a man so clearly touched by the hand of the Almighty Dollar—they looked the other way. The jury, no doubt inspired by the Book of Wishful Thinking 1:1, declared, "Let the President be free, for his deeds are not to be judged by men but by the accountants of Mar-a-Lago."

It is said that Trump, in his infinite wisdom, foresaw these challenges. And so, he crafted his persona not merely in the image of a leader but of a martyr, a modern-day Job with a much better sense of real estate value. "And though the courts convict me, and though my enemies seek to bind me with the chains of justice," said Trump in the Book of Trump Tower 3:16, "I shall rise again on the third indictment, for my followers know that all is fair in love and MAGA."

And indeed, the followers of the Orange Messiah did not falter. They rallied around him, waving flags emblazoned with his name, chanting hymns of "Lock her up" and "Build that wall," for they knew that their leader was chosen not just by the voters, but by the very gods of Grift and Greed.

In the end, Donald Trump’s legacy shall be written not in the history books of men, but in the sacred texts of a future civilization that will one day rise from the ashes of our democracy. And in that time, they will look upon the Orange King and say, "Truly, this was a man who knew how to play the system, and lo, he did it with style."

For as it is written in the Epistle to the Fools, Chapter 20, Verse 24: "Blessed are the liars, for they shall inherit the earth, so long as they have enough money to pay off the right people." Hallelujah and amen.