The Gospel According to St. Donald: On the Sacred Duty of Deportation and the Divine Art of Selective Memory
By Reverend Dr. Obadiah S. Blowhorn, D.D.S., Grand Inquisitor of the Society for Sanctimonious Patriotism and Convenient Amnesia
Brethren, sistren, and those who have not yet been deported, gather ye round! For I come bearing glad tidings from the New American Testament, as revealed to us through the sacred spray-tan of His Excellency, President Donald J. Trump, the Chosen One who, like Jesus (but with better real estate), walks among us to separate the wheat from the chaff, the citizen from the trespasser, and the law-abiding from the law-ignoring—unless, of course, the latter are wearing MAGA hats.
On the Divine Right to Hate Thy Neighbor (If Foreign-Born)
Let us turn to the newly discovered Book of Deportations 7:77:
“And lo, the Lord did say unto Donald, ‘Thou shalt love thy neighbor, unless he cometh from a land with spicy food or an accent most grievous to thine ears. Then, thou shalt build a wall and call it blessed.’”
Is it not written, dear flock, that Jesus himself said, “Suffer the little children to come unto me, unless their papers are not in order; then suffer them to ICE detention, for such is the kingdom of American exceptionalism”? (Book of Redactions 2:20).
The liberals and other agents of Satan will wail and gnash their teeth, claiming that such policies are un-Christian. But have they not read the parable of the Good Samaritan, who, upon seeing a stranger in need, first checked his passport and then called the authorities? No? Well, perhaps their Bibles are not the newly revised MAGA edition.
On the Holy Use of Militarized Force
Let us not forget the sacred duty to defend our borders with the righteous arm of the National Guard, as prophesied in the Book of Armaments 4:16:
“And the Lord said unto His servant Donald, ‘Deploy thou the troops to Los Angeles, and let not the protestors trouble thine ICE agents, for blessed is the man who removeth the stranger from the land, and doubly blessed is he who does it with federal oversight and a show of overwhelming force.’”
Some apostates will mutter about “unprecedented military action on U.S. soil,” but these are the same who would let the nation be overrun by the unwashed masses yearning to breathe free. For what is freedom, if not the right to be free from those who are not like us?
On the Sacred Condemnation of Violence (Except When It’s Patriotic)
Now, let us meditate on the sanctity of law enforcement. As it is written in the Book of Blue Lives 1:1:
“Thou shalt not strike a police officer, unless thou art smiting the enemies of Trump, in which case, thou art forgiven and may collect thine presidential pardon at the nearest federal facility.”
Yea, verily, did our President pardon every last soul who, in a fit of holy zeal, laid hands upon the officers of the law on January 6th. For, as the Book of Selective Memory 5:13 proclaims:
“Forgive us our trespasses, as we trespass against those who trespass against us—unless they protest immigration policy, in which case, bring forth the tear gas and the armored personnel carrier.”
On the Art of Righteous Hypocrisy
Let us not be troubled by the accusations of hypocrisy. Did not Jesus himself say in the Book of Double Standards 5:5:
“Judge not, lest ye be judged—unless thou judgest in My Name, and on cable news, and with a Fox News chyron beneath thine feet.”
For what is hypocrisy, if not the sincerest form of patriotism? Did not the Pharisees also strain out the gnat and swallow the camel, as our Lord jested? But our modern Pharisees, clad in bespoke suits and red ties, have perfected the art: they strain out the immigrant and swallow the insurrectionist whole, with a side of executive clemency.
A Closing Benediction
So let us go forth, my fellow Americans, armed with the Sword of Deportation, the Shield of Law Enforcement (with a convenient pardon tucked behind it), and the Helmet of Willful Forgetfulness. For as it is written in the Book of Amnesiacs 1:45:
“Blessed are the forgetful, for they shall inherit the talking points.”
Go in peace, but only if you have the proper documentation. And remember: Jesus loves you, but only if you’re on the right side of the border… and history.
Amen, and amen.