The Gospel According to Founding Fathers, Faux Prophecies, and the Elon Musk Chronicles

Thomas Jefferson’s Worst Nightmare

In the Book of Capitalism, Chapter 17, Verse 76, it is written: "And the Founders said unto the people, 'Beware the rise of the oligarch, the golden idols of unchecked power, and the priests who wield law as if it were divine decree. For these shall undo all that ye have fought for.' But the people answered, 'What if the oligarch has free shipping?'"

Let us begin, as all great analyses of America’s demise do, with Elon Musk: the wealthiest man on Earth, who earns $1,200 in less time than it takes most Americans to microwave a Hot Pocket. Yet, in some Kafkaesque farce, this man — whose companies are under so many investigations you’d think he invented the concept of subpoenas — is being whispered about as an arbiter of Social Security policy. The absurdity is biblical, or at least apocryphal.

In the Book of Hucksters, Chapter 12, Verse 4, it is proclaimed: "And there shall come a man from the land of Emerald Mines, his wealth vast and his ego vaster. He shall tweet in riddles and memes, and the people shall think him wise. Yea, even as his rcars are recalled and his promises wither like crops in a drought, he shall rise to sit among the lords of governance, deciding who eats and who starves."

The Founding Fathers — those powdered-wig demigods of rebellion —warned us explicitly about this nonsense. Thomas Jefferson, that fountain of flowery rhetoric, once said, "I hope we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations, which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength and bid defiance to the laws of our country." Instead, modern America heard that and said, “Crush? Nah. Let’s give them tax breaks.”

Now we have Elon Musk deciding whether grandma deserves her Social Security check. Consider the math: the man makes $1,200 roughly every four seconds. That’s about the time it takes the average American to type, “Why can’t I afford rent?” into Google. The absurdity isn’t just in the wealth gap — it’s in the sheer brazenness of pretending a man who reportedly violated labor laws in six different ways before breakfast is qualified to lecture anyone about fiscal responsibility.

And yet, as the Book of Hyperloops 3:14 says: "Blessed are the billionaires, for they shall inherit the Earth, and then complain on Twitter that it’s too woke."

Meanwhile, in the shadow of oligarchs, the theocrats rise, wielding the Bible like a cudgel in one hand and a PAC check in the other. The Founders would be aghast. James Madison once warned, "The purpose of separation of church and state is to keep forever from these shores the ceaseless strife that has soaked the soil of Europe in blood for centuries." Yet here we are, with lawmakers proclaiming their policies are divinely inspired, quoting scripture like “Thou shalt not fund public healthcare” and “Blessed are the rich, for they can afford lobbyists.”

In the Book of Fraudulent Moralizing, Chapter 6, Verse 66, we find:
"And lo, the preachers shall rise, preaching prosperity to the poor while taking donations to build megachurches. They shall tell the people, 'Render unto Caesar your wages and unto the Lord your tithes, and if there’s nothing left, just pray harder.'”

Even the Founding Fathers’ warning about unchecked authority is ignored. George Washington famously cautioned against the dangers of despotism and blind loyalty, saying, "The spirit of encroachment tends to consolidate the powers of all the departments in one, and thus to create, whatever the form of government, a real despotism." Yet, here we sit, debating whether elected leaders should even be held accountable for their crimes.

For as it is written in the Epistle of Golden Parachutes, Chapter 45, Verse Musk: "And the richest man shall walk free, though his sins be many, for his wealth is a shield unto him, and his lawyers are legion."

The absurdity of modern America can be summed up thus: a nation founded on the rejection of oligarchy, theocracy, and unquestioned authority now embraces them with open arms—and tax incentives. We cheer for billionaires who hoard wealth, lawmakers who legislate morality, and leaders who claim immunity from the very laws they create.

Let us pray to the gods of irony, for they are surely laughing.