Single Pet Owners and Schrödinger's Nominee

The GOP Platform is Divinely Inspired... Obviously.

In a move hailed as revolutionary and divinely inspired, Vice Presidential nominee JD Vance has declared that single pet owners are the single largest problem in America. Yes, you read that correctly. Not the economy, not the crumbling infrastructure, not Civil Rights, nor Women's Rights, but the unwed pet owners. Apparently, our nation's greatest threat comes from individuals who have the audacity to own pets without the benefit of matrimony.

Financial experts predict it will be unwed cat owners who cause a catastrophic crash of the New York Stock Exchange.

According to the Book of Domesticities 12:34, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Chihuahua unless thou hast first entered into holy wedlock." This profound scripture underscores the moral peril of owning a pet outside the sanctity of marriage, a principle as American as apple pie and backyard barbecues. JD Vance, with a straight face and unwavering conviction, delivered this decree to the bemused and bewildered masses.

Meanwhile, the GOP has taken a curious stance on Presidential nominee Kamala Harris. In a feat of mental gymnastics that would make Orwell proud, they insist that she is somehow both not-Black and simultaneously a diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) hire who doesn’t have kids. Kamala Harris, the Schrödinger's Nominee of our times, exists in a paradoxical state that defies logic and common sense.

As it says in the Gospel of Pseudoscience 8:15, "She that is of dual nature, neither fully embraced nor completely rejected, shall confound her critics and yet be criticized by all." This sacred text clearly foretells the GOP's approach to Harris: she is both too much and not enough, embodying all the contradictions one could imagine.

The irony reaches its zenith when we consider the Biblical endorsement of Vance's pet owner theory. As declared in the Epistle of Domestic Order 9:27, "And lo, the pets of the unwed shall bring forth chaos and disorder, and the righteous shall decree their containment." It's clear as day, folks. Single pet owners are the scourge we never knew we had to battle.

In their infinite wisdom, the GOP also embraces the notion that Harris, despite her extensive resume, is merely a token figure, handpicked to fulfill a quota. Yet, simultaneously, they argue she lacks the Blackness required to represent Black Americans. As the Book of Cognitive Dissonance 5:22 puts it, "The one who is seen and unseen, valid and invalid, shall perplex the righteous and the unrighteous alike."

And who can forget the timeless wisdom from the Book of Canine Commandments 4:18, "Blessed are the married pet owners, for they shall inherit the order and prosperity of the land." This divine proclamation solidifies the GOP's stance that only those in holy matrimony can handle the responsibility of pet ownership without bringing about the downfall of American society.

It's a good thing the Supreme Court, in their divine foresight, has also made provisions for our leaders to act without consequence. As the Book of Re-Elections 7:12 proclaims, "Thou shalt grant unto the President immunity from all transgressions, for he is the chosen one who shall reign indefinitely." With such immunity, our leaders can focus on more pressing matters, like the moral decay brought by single pet ownership, without being bogged down by trivial concerns like justice or accountability.

In conclusion, let us give thanks to the GOP for highlighting the real threats facing our nation. As Jesus himself once said in the Book of Revisionist History 20:21, "Fear not the single pet owner, for their chaos is but a distraction from the true path of righteousness and order." Hallelujah and amen!