Official Statement from Trump’s SuperClassy Presidential PR Team™

In the latest edition of America’s Best Ever Speeches, the one and only Donald J. Trump has, once again, found himself under the left-wing, Fake News microscope for his absolutely inspiring and totally unique rhetorical stylings. Now, some people (you know, the radical losers) are claiming that Trump’s speeches bear a “direct” resemblance to, wait for it, Adolf Hitler. We say: Witch hunt! Sad! 

Let’s be real here, folks. The greatest American who ever lived —Jesus Christ — famously said in the Sermon on the Mount, delivered live from the holiest of holy places: Mount Rushmore, "Blessed are the rich in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of government contracts." Or maybe it was "Thou shalt detain immigrants and cast them into fiery prisons of profit." Something like that.

Trump, ever the patriot, is merely following in these time-honored traditions. It’s no surprise that he’s quoting the best — because who could possibly be better at speeches than him?

Jesus, The Ultimate American, wrote the Bible in its original form on American soil, possibly from a McDonald's booth in Kansas. So, naturally, when Trump borrows from the greatest leaders in history, he's just doing what the Bible says: "Thou shalt plagiarize from only the best to make America great again." (That’s Reelections 7:11 in the King Donald Version, by the way.)

But Hitler?!? Come on, that's crazy talk.

Sure, there may be a couple of similarities, but who doesn’t admire a strong leader who could really get things done? Am I right? Just ask the ghosts of your favorite authoritarian grandparents! Plus, didn’t Jesus himself say in Leviticus 99:1 "Suffer not the weak, but lock 'em up, deport 'em, and turn a profit on 'em"?

The fact is, Trump is a modern-day miracle worker. Just like Jesus multiplied the loaves and fishes, Trump is multiplying prisoners for our fantastic for-profit prisons! Homeless people sleeping in the streets? Boom! Problem solved. No shelter, no problem! Let them work for Burger King and Amazon while they serve time. The Supreme Court is doing its patriotic duty in enforcing these fine American traditions. After all, nothing screams freedom like forcing a homeless guy to wear a Walmart vest.

Didn’t Jesus say, in Campaigns 5:42, "Give not to the one who asks you, but give him a swift kick in the pants and sign him up for a chain gang"? And isn’t it written somewhere in Publicity 13:13, "Thou shalt smite thine enemy with tariffs, slander, and absolutely no facts, for this pleases the Lord."

But let's not forget Trump's greatest hits!

While Fake News will try to distract you with “context” and “history,” the truth is that Trump's words, like "I alone can fix it!" (directly from The Book of Narcissismus, Chapter MAGA), are just good, old-fashioned American values. If it sounds like it might've come from a dictator or tyrant, that’s because all great leaders have vision! 

As for the rumors swirling around about his speeches having too much of a "Third Reich flair," the MAGA team is here to clarify: It’s just a coincidence that Trump’s speeches sometimes resemble those of other strong leaders.

He’s America's strongman, folks, and who are we to argue? As it says in the Book of MAGAlations 1:1, "He who boasts the loudest shall be followed by the multitudes, for truth is whatever he declares."

So, to summarize: Trump isn’t quoting Hitler, he's quoting The Holy Bible and Founding Father Jesus. And let’s be honest, no one can say it better than Trump. He might even be better than Jesus —after all, no one remembers Jesus' crowd sizes, do they?

And just like Jesus turned water into wine, Trump is turning fear, division, and misinformation into votes. #BlessedBeTheHate

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Disclaimer: This statement has been approved by the President for Life, Greatest Leader of the Free World, and Maker of Tremendous Deals. All references to the Bible are accurate, or at least alternative facts. Amen.