National Center for Missing and Exploited Adults

Currently Looking for the Democratic Party

[Background: Serious, investigative music plays softly throughout.]

Narrator:
"Hundreds of people go missing each year in the United States. Confronting this frightening phenomenon is the National Center for Missing and Exploited Adults—an agency dedicated to finding our missing but not necessarily missed politicians and government officials."

[Brief pause, shift to a lighter tone.]

Narrator:
"We considered changing the name to 'Missing and Exploited Full-Size Children,' but we already printed up t-shirts and coffee mugs."

[Music swells slightly.]

Narrator:
"There are no borders to stop the search for our missing and exploited politicians, and no beachside resort too small to look."

[Tone shifts to urgency.]

Narrator:
"If anyone out there can find the missing members of the Democratic Party, it’s us—with your help."

[Music intensifies slightly.]

Narrator:
"America is currently missing 45 Democratic members of the Senate and 215 Democratic members of the House of Representatives."

[Brief pause for impact.]

Narrator:
"If you have any information regarding these missing members of the Democratic Party, call us immediately at 1-800-LOST DEM—that’s 1-800-567-8336."

[Music fades to hopeful tone.]

Narrator:
"With your help, we can find the lost Democratic Party."