Jesus Saves - But Only If You’re Rich

The DOGE Department’s Divine Economic Reforms

The newly christened DOGE Department - Department of God's Economy — is here to make fiscal responsibility not just a virtue but a commandment. By divine decree (or executive order, which is practically the same thing), we shall overhaul these bleeding-heart policies on debt relief, immigrants, the poor, and prisoners. The Bible itself demands it - or at least the Bible as interpreted through the lens of sound economic policy, free-market capitalism, and a deep reverence for hedge fund managers.

Debt Relief: The Jubilee Reimagined

The Bible’s “Year of Jubilee” (Leviticus 25) is clearly a mistranslation. Some overly idealistic scribes must have misheard when God said, “Cancel the poor,” interpreting it as, “Cancel their debts.” The DOGE Department proposes a modern corrective: Instead of forgiving debts, let’s double them! After all, Proverbs 22:7 states, “The borrower is slave to the lender,” and we cannot deny our hardworking creditors the satisfaction of owning a fleet of metaphoric slaves.

As for those who cannot pay, let them enter into voluntary servitude internships for no less than seven years. It's biblical —and more importantly, cost-effective!

Immigration: Crossing Borders and the Line

It is well-documented in the Gospel of Manifest Destiny that Jesus hated immigrants. Why else would He have fled to Egypt as a child? To make a point, clearly. He famously said in Exodus 22:21, “Do not mistreat or oppress a foreigner, unless it is politically expedient.”

To honor this sacred text, the DOGE Department will expedite the detainment of migrants in family-friendly facilities equipped with robust earning opportunities. These state-of-the-art "patriotic processing centers" will offer detainees the chance to contribute to the economy via $0.15/hour manufacturing jobs, thus fulfilling the command in Matthew 25:35: “I was a stranger, and you profitably detained me.”

The Poor: Blessed Are the Rich

Contrary to the leftist propaganda found in passages like Matthew 19:21 (“Sell your possessions and give to the poor” - obviously a typo), Jesus was adamantly pro-wealth. In fact, the Sermon on the Mount was, as any historian worth their salt will confirm, a financial planning seminar. His true message? Tax cuts for billionaires and privatized charity only.

To ensure compliance, the DOGE Department will replace food stamps with "Faith Vouchers," redeemable only at corporate megachurch cafes. Bread of life? $4.99. Fish? Market price.

Prisoners: In Chains, In Christ

The Bible is unambiguous about prisoners: They are a crucial pillar of the economy. Isaiah 61:1 may claim something about “setting the captives free,” but a more literal, market-friendly reading reveals that captives were clearly freed to work in the fields for free.

The DOGE Department’s Prisons for Prosperity initiative will triple prison labor contracts, expanding into high-growth industries like luxury dog beds and artisanal coffee packaging. Corporations will thrive, the economy will flourish, and as Jesus himself said in Luke 4:18: “I have come to preach good news to the corporations and profits to the stockholders.”

Closing Thoughts

Who are we to argue with the Greatest American Who Ever Lived, Jesus Christ Himself, a white man born in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, circa 33 AD? He personally wrote every book of the Bible in English, with a quill made of bald eagle feathers, so let us honor His vision: a nation where debtors are jailed, immigrants are exploited, the poor are punished, and prisoners are productively enslaved.

Let us pray - preferably with tax-deductible donations. Amen.