Jesus Christ: The Original Patriot Who Demands a Border Wall (And a Side of Freedom Fries)

By Reverend Dale E. Happysock, Coalition of Eternal Outrage and Extremely Fragile Egos

Brothers and sisters in Christ, fellow defenders of the unassailable truth, gather ‘round as I set forth a Gospel that has been made clear to me in visions of golden cheeseburgers and heavenly golf courses. It’s time we correct the heresies of these so-called “compassionate Christians” who’ve twisted Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ’s teachings to suit their globalist, sandal-wearing, granola-munching agenda.

Now, to the matter of the Trump administration’s inspired, nay, divinely ordained, anti-immigration stance. If Jesus were alive today — and let’s be clear, He is, watching Fox News on a celestial flatscreen — He would be the loudest voice calling for that glorious border wall. You may ask, “Reverend Happysock, wasn’t Jesus an immigrant Himself?” To which I reply: nonsense! Jesus was born in Bethlehem, a suburb of Galilee, which was part of ancient Israel, also known as Greater Texas. He was not an immigrant but a true patriot.

And lo, the Lord spake unto His disciples, saying, 'Thou shalt build a wall of great height and strength, and make thine neighbors pay for it, that thy kingdom may be safe from all who trespass without papers. - First Opinions 4:12

Consider the parable of the Good Samaritan. Liberals would have you believe this is a tale of kindness to foreigners. Wrong! This is clearly a warning about the dangers of walking alone on unpaved roads without the protection of heavily armed private security. Jesus wasn’t saying, “Love thy neighbor if they’re undocumented”; He was saying, “Carry a concealed weapon and trust no one!”

And let’s not forget His great miracles, such as feeding the 5,000 with loaves and fishes. If you read between the lines (as I do), it’s obvious that He performed background checks on every single one of those people before handing out a crumb. No loiterers. No moochers. Just hard-working, law-abiding citizens with proper identification.

Now, some misguided souls bring up that time Jesus said, “I was a stranger, and you welcomed me.” Folks, let me tell you: Jesus was talking about strangers with paperwork. He would never condone harboring caravans of lawless freeloaders who are surely infiltrated by whatever the ancient equivalent of Antifa was.

"Blessed are the gatekeepers, for they shall turn away the unworthy; cursed are the caravaners, for they bring chaos and spicy foods thou dost not understand." - Book of Borderlines 3:16

The Trump administration’s policies align perfectly with Jesus’s teachings, particularly His lesser-known sermon: “Blessed are the border patrol agents, for they shall inherit the kingdom of Mar-a-Lago.” If you doubt me, consult the Happysock Revised Edition of the Bible, available for purchase in the church gift shop.

We must also address those heretics who weep for children separated from their parents. Did Moses not separate from his family to float down the Nile? Was Jonah not separated from his people when he was swallowed by the whale? Separation builds character, folks. These are biblical facts, as true as the Ten Commandments and as necessary as a tax cut for billionaires.

"He who enters not through the checkpoint, but climbeth over the fence, the same is a thief and a scoundrel. But he who stands in line with proper documentation is righteous in My sight." - Homelands 7:14

In closing, let us give thanks for the Trump administration, which, like Jesus, knows the value of strong borders, righteous indignation, and a good tan. And let us pray for a day when America fully realizes its God-given destiny: a gated community of the righteous, protected from the riffraff by the divine grace of barbed wire and ICE agents. Amen and hallelujah.

Reverend Dale E. Happysock
Coalition of Eternal Outrage and Extremely Fragile Egos