Greatest American Who Ever Lived

Real Life Stories of Jesus

As we all know, Jesus delivered the Sermon on the Mount from high atop the world's most sacred place - Mount Rushmore, of course. He said we must harm the least among us and we must not love others as we love him, but rather hate the gays. He also famously said, "Detain all immigrants and put them to death."

Who are we to argue with President for Life and the Greatest American Who Ever Lived?

Everyone knows Jesus was a great American who personally wrote every book of the Bible IN AMERICA, so the Ten Commandments going up in Louisiana public schools aren't religious laws, they're American ones.

Jesus, the Greatest American Who Ever Lived, would also be proud of our brave Supreme Court which decided it's not cruel and unusual to impose civil and criminal penalties on homeless people sleeping outside. As kids in Oklahoma will soon find out, Jesus famously could not stand the eyesore that is homeless people, saying in Matthew 5:42 "Give not to the one who asks you, and turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you and place them in jails."

Jesus knew the for-profit prison system would be tremendously helpful for the American economy, and with homeless folks serving hard time, it's only going to increase the workforce for companies who use prisoners like Aldi, Costco, Kroger, Target, Walmart, and Whole Foods; restaurants like Burger King, Chipotle, Domino’s and McDonald’s; and industry conglomerates like Cargill, Coca-Cola, General Mills, Pepsi and Tyson.

Jesus wanted prisons, corporations, and lawmakers to partner up to make billions because, as he said in Matthew 19: 23-24, “Truly I tell you, it is not hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again, I tell you, the rich shall ride camels to enter the kingdom of God.”