Girl Scout Cookies as Bands

Thin Mints - The Beatles, Beach Boys, Simon & Garfunkel

A first ballot, hands down, no shit, hand to God, Hall of Famer. Unquestionably and without any doubt. Always ranked high on all-time lists, but yeah, we got it. We understand. How could we not? We’ve been beaten over the head with greatness and appreciated it ourselves. We can dig it for all its glory, but we don’t need to discuss it anymore. We all understand. It’s like arguing about gravity at this point. The verdict has BEEN in.

Trefoils - Blue-Eyed Soul, Dusty Springfield, Bee Gees, Righteous Brothers, Bobby Darin

Completely inoffensive, utterly palatable, and a personal favorite of grandmothers everywhere. It always hits the spot in small doses but might be a bit bland for the more adventurous among us. Saturday afternoons cleaning the house are ideal for this. You’re likely going to have these during holidays with family, but there will always be more of these left over than anything else, just like the millions of records resigned to the bargain bin.

Adventurefuls - James Brown, Curtis Mayfield, Earth, Wind & Fire, Sly & The Family Stone, Jimi

Oooohhhh now we’re TALKING! Indulgent, brownie-inspired, caramel-flavored crème with a dash of salt, Adventurefuls are exactly that. These are for those unafraid of new journeys to far-out lands, and those who never could settle on just one thing. Funky, and soulful these suckers always disappear quickly, and each bite tastes a bit different. No apologies made, none asked for, Adventurefuls go boldly.

Do-si-dos - Sleep, Black Sabbath, Electric Wizard, Boris, Queens of the Stone Age

Crunchy oatmeal with peanut butter filling, like chewing a glue stick or eating a bowl of sludge that takes forever to digest. Not for the faint of heart or those without a tasty beverage to wash this down. A few of these monsters go a long, trudging way. This cookie pairs extraordinarily well with a Scooby Snack.

Lemon-Ups - Second and Third Wave Ska, The Specials, Reel Big Fish, Goldfinger, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, No Doubt

Crispy lemon cookies with positive messages tailor-made to spark the kind of joy a 7th-grade boy feels when he has fresh pizza rolls and a new video game waiting for him on a Friday after school is out. A recent run through a sleeve of Lemon-Ups reveals the following inspirational messages: I AM STRONG, I AM BOLD, I AM CREATIVE, and I AM A RISK-TAKER. For better or worse, these lemony-flavored treats taste like a ska trombone sounds.

S’mores - Boom Bap Era hip hop, Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five, Sugarhill Gang, LL Cool J, Run-DMC, Beastie Boys

Revolutionary and groundbreaking for its time and era and still a bonafide classic in every sense. Ain’t no one mad about scarfing down a s’more, but it feels a bit dated. This delicious morsel is an edible time machine directly to your youth, and you can taste the delight that’s going to emerge from this template. That gooey marshmallow might be a bit sappy and sweet for a refined palate now, but back in the day? Back in the day, this was the JAM. This was a holy wafer. When did you last take Communion?

Samoas - G-Funk, Parliament Funkadelic, Prince, Outkast, David Bowie, Michael Jackson

Crisp yet gooey with hints of coconut, caramel with chocolate stripes, the proper amount of slopiness, and wholly delicious, this is the ‘64 Impala of your dreams. The right amount of sugar keeps things sweet, but rich with chocolatey goodness. This cookie will free your taste buds if you’re ready. It’s almost as if an alien culture descended on our green and blue planet and brought these with them as a peace offering.

Caramel Chocolate Chip - ‘50s rock and roll and ‘90s pop punk Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Bo Diddley, Green Day, Blink 182, Fall Out Boy

An immediate classic, perfect for dunking, yet strangely easy to screw up when baking. The recipe isn’t hard, but it’s gotta be just right. This should be baked for about three minutes or less at the highest possible temperature and consumed immediately even if it scorches your mouth.

Tagalongs - MF Doom, Run the Jewels, Freddie Gibbs, J. Cole, Kendrick Lamar

The new classic is rooted in Old School sensibility with its own, distinct flavor profile. We’re doubling down on black and brown like we should have in the ‘60s. Peanut butter and chocolate stay undefeated. We all know Peanut M&Ms are the Godfather Pt. II of candy sequels, which means the Tagalong is the new gangster masterpiece we didn’t deserve. It’s a Peanut M&M taken to the scale it should have been in the first place - number one with no features.