Geopolitical Games: When Trump and Putin Play Fuck, Marry, Kill

In a world of serious issues, two of the world’s most unpredictable leaders find time to debate the fates of Boebert, Hegseth, and McConnell—with the subtlety of a wrecking ball.

Scene: A Late-Night Call Between Two Titans of Chaos

The phone crackled with the static of a secure line as Donald Trump, seated in a gilded armchair, leaned back with a Diet Coke in hand. On the other end, Vladimir Putin, bare-chested (as usual) and stroking a leopard like some Bond villain, sighed impatiently.

"Vlad, Vlad, Vlad... I've got a game for you. Something to take our minds off all the fake news and witch hunts, okay? Believe me, this is a good one."

"Donald, I have nations to undermine. I do not have time for games."

"Oh, you'll like this one. It's called Fuck, Marry, Kill. I give you three names, and you pick who you'd... you know, 'spend time' with, who you'd settle down with, and who you'd... uh, eliminate. It's tremendous fun. Everyone loves it. Melania? Not so much. But believe me, she's no fun anyway."

"Very well. But make it quick. The leopard grows restless."

"Okay, okay, here's the lineup. Lauren Boebert, you know her? Big gun fan. Loves me. She's like, tremendous energy. Then we've got Pete Hegseth — handsome Fox News guy, big on the military. Kind of a wannabe me, but, you know, worse hair. And finally... Mitch McConnell — old Turtle Man himself. Real piece of work. Thinks he's better than me. He's not. Nobody is."

"This is... strange. But fine. Let us begin."

"Alright, Vlad. You're up first. Fuck, Marry, Kill: Boebert, Hegseth, McConnell. Go."

"This Boebert... she is loud, yes? Like small dog that barks too much. I do not like loud."

"Oh, she's loud. So loud. But in a good way. Like, people are saying her loudness is the best loudness. Not annoying at all, like that Megan Rapinoe."

"Hmm. I kill her."

"Kill?! Harsh, but okay. Okay. Keep going."

"Hegseth... military man, you say? Loyal to your empire of television clowns?"

"Oh, the best. Loves me. Worships me. Total patriot."

"I marry him. He is strong. Useful. Good propaganda."

"Interesting choice, Vlad. Didn't see that coming, but I like it. So, uh, Mitch? You’d..."

"Da. I fuck the turtle."

"The turtle?! Mitch? No way. I mean, look, he's... he's got that whole slow thing going on, but c'mon. Really?"

"It is power move. Dominance. He will never recover."

"Okay, okay, I see what you’re doing. Smart. Smart. Alright, my turn. This is easy. Marry Boebert — great looks, great personality. She’s a winner. Fuck Hegseth — he’s got the hair, you know? Very 'alpha.' And Mitch? Well… Mitch is already half-dead. Killing him would just be... finishing the job."

"You are predictable, Donald. Always thinking of the show. But tell me... what do you do when they play this game about you?"

"Me? Oh, Vlad, they all marry me. Every time. Believe me, I’m the ultimate choice. Everybody loves me. Best husband, best everything. It’s not even close."

(silence)

The leopard growled softly, perhaps in agreement.

"Anyway, great chat, Vlad. Always a pleasure. Let’s do this again sometime. Maybe next week, we can rank dictators! I hear Kim’s been feeling left out lately."

"Do svidaniya, Donald. Try not to ruin your empire before then."

The line went dead, leaving Trump to lean back, confident as ever, as the leopard eyed Putin with the disdain only a predator can muster.