Florida’s New College Boldly Declares War on Knowledge

Ladies, gentlemen, and assorted swamp creatures of the Sunshine State, welcome to the New College of Florida — now rebranded as The Offensively Bland Academy for the Morally Correct! We’ve got an exciting new curriculum: Ignorance 101, Gaslighting Advanced Placement, and a senior thesis called "How to Pretend Slavery Was Just an Internship Program."

Yes, the geniuses in charge — blessed by the sacred Florida Man Pantheon — have decided that books about sexuality, race, and feminism are dangerous. So dangerous, in fact, they must be dumped faster than DeSantis’ presidential poll numbers. And why stop there? Hell, let’s ban the color black because it offends white paint.

“I walk the corner to the rubble that used to be a library
Line up to the mind cemetery now
What we don't know keeps the contracts alive and movin'
They don't gotta burn the books, they just remove 'em.”

Thanks, Rage Against the Machine. Perfect soundtrack for this intellectual dumpster fire.

As the Book of Deuteronomy (Censored edition) tells us, "And lo, the Lord said unto Florida, 'Thou shalt not read anything that maketh thee uncomfortable. For discomfort is the devil’s taco seasoning.’”

Where once there were books, there are now pamphlets. These sacred documents — funded by the Koch brothers and ghostwritten by someone who thinks Atlas Shrugged is a bedtime story — teach students vital skills like:

• How to ignore systemic racism while quoting MLK out of context.

• How to pretend women never existed in history unless they were baking pies or dying beautifully in period dramas.

• How to argue, “Well, actually,” in 50 different ways during a debate about human rights.

Gone are the texts that dared to ask why. Gone are the works that told the stories of people who aren’t white, rich, and male. In their place: a thrilling reading list including The Art of the Deal, Chicken Soup for the Colonizer’s Soul, and The Bible (Corporate-Approved, Edited for White Comfort).

Because as the Matthew 0:00-24 tells us, "Blessed are the bland, for they shall inherit the funding from lobbyists.”

The New College isn’t just dumping books. It’s dumping the idea of knowledge itself. Why? Because an educated populace is dangerous. Educated people ask questions. They demand change. And they sure as hell don’t tolerate a bunch of sunburned autocrats whitewashing history for the benefit of plutocrats.

So, what’s left? A library of rubble. A mind cemetery. An institution that prepares students not for the real world but for a world imagined by people who think "woke" is a slur and "diversity" is a four-letter word.

This isn’t just a Florida problem. This is a sign of a much larger rot—an assault on critical thinking dressed up as “protecting values.” But here’s the thing about values: if they can’t survive a few damn books, maybe they’re not that valuable.

"And the people did cry, 'We have destroyed knowledge in the name of peace!' And the Lord did laugh, for He knew they were full of shit." – Proverbs of the Censored, 69:420

Florida’s New College isn’t new. It’s ancient. It’s a relic of an era when power feared ideas. And as long as these bastards rule, Rage Against the Machine will keep singing the truth:

"They don’t gotta burn the books, they just remove 'em.”

Now excuse me while I build a bunker of banned books.