Dr. Jones and I Have Something in Common

True Story

I was named after a dog. My mother thinks the story is heartwarming when SHE tells it. She is noticeably embarrassed and off-put when I tell it in her presence. Truth: I was named after a German shepherd whom my great-grandfather trained to chase Black people.

To understand this you must know my mother's sense of spirituality is cobbled together from the remnants of Catholic doctrine she still agrees with, blind superstition, and simple coincidence.

I was supposed to be named Damien, but my parents saw The Omen a few months before I was born and that viewing immediately disqualified the name Damien. There was never a girl’s name addressed, so they were stuck.

While very pregnant with me in her third trimester she visited her grandfather, Raymond “BZ” Bielanin, a racist alcoholic of notoriously bad disposition. In between sips of Genesee Cream Ale, while watching a Pittsburgh Pirates game, he patted his German shepherd and said "I have my Jason," then he patted my mother's belly, "and you have your Jason."

Sweet Jesus! Hallelujah! My mother took this as the sign she needed. A true Hallmark moment.

So yes, I was named after a dog.

My only question these many years later is who the hell names a dog Jason?