BREAKING

The People's Republic of Grift

Dr. Mehmet Oz, esteemed peddler of overpriced miracle cures, has been tapped to lead the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. With a scalpel in one hand and snake oil in the other, the good doctor promises to transform healthcare into a "truly American" endeavor: expensive, confusing, and utterly useless. CMS, meet the Wizard of Fraud.

Meanwhile, Linda McMahon, titan of staged combat and aspiring choreographer of public education, is our new Secretary of Education. Finally, a leader who understands that schools, like wrestling matches, are best run with drama, scripted outcomes, and minimal intellectual rigor. Expect algebra classes to end with body slams, and lunch periods to feature steel cage debates about whether kids really need books.

Welcome to the new cabinet of curiosities - where government policy is just another late-night infomercial. Y'all put the coin in the jukebox, now you have to hear the whole song. Except, 76 million of us put a coin in, so now we have to hear Mambo No. 5, Achy Breaky Heart, and The Thong Song for four consecutive years.