And Trump said, "Let There Be Me"

The New Gospel According to The Donald

It is a divine masterpiece that humanity has waited for millennia to receive: The Donald J. Trump Edition Holy Bible, proudly emblazoned with the name of the 45th and future 47th President above the sacred text, as it should be. And while it may have been made in China — a curious act of global humility — it is no less holy for having emerged from the very lands where his unmatched tariffs struck fear into the hearts of heathen factories.

Take, for instance, Second Self-Help 14:45: “And lo, God looked upon the Earth and said, ‘It is good. But it could be great. It could be tremendous. It needs branding.’ And so Trump was sent to shepherd the people.” This verse alone has been hailed by Reverend Griftwell McGold, founder of the Prosperity Cathedral and longtime purveyor of $99 prayer handkerchiefs, as "proof that the Lord works in mysterious, deal-making ways."

One cannot ignore the craftsmanship of the book itself: luxurious leatherette binding, dyed in the most radiant shade of "Victory Orange" (Pantone 2024), stamped with gold lettering that gleams like a Mar-a-Lago ballroom chandelier. Each page exudes the aroma of high-quality ink — perhaps even divine ink — though conspiracy theorists suggest the faint smell of McDonald’s fries is intentional. "This isn’t just a Bible," said Pastor Joel Smirksteen during his latest televised sermon, "This is the Ultimate Deal Testament. It’s like the Old Testament, but with better negotiation strategies. Folks, Jesus walked on water, but Trump walked down that escalator."

The words within are nothing short of revelatory. Covfefe 3:16 states: "For Trump so loved the world that he gave us a tax cut, that whosoever believeth in trickle-down economics shall not perish, but have everlasting MAGA." Truly, what greater testament to divine intervention could there be than tax brackets simplified and prayer breakfasts catered by Chick-fil-A?

Critics, of course, have quibbled over the fact that the book was mass-produced in China. But as Trump himself said at a rally, “Nobody respects the Bible more than me. And nobody negotiates with China better, folks. They begged me to let them print it, okay? Begged. The factory workers? They’re crying, they’re so happy. Probably converted on the spot.”

Then there’s the bold theological claim on the embossed cover: The Day God Intervened, July 18, 2024. Biblical scholars are already speculating what divine event this refers to — perhaps the miraculous parting of Twitter’s algorithms to restore Trump’s suspended account, or the rumored reappearance of the nuclear football at Mar-a-Lago.

First Flexians 7:77 sums it up perfectly: “Blessed are the winners, for they shall inherit all the best things. Really, the best. And lo, the losers shall be cast into the darkness, which is fake news.”

And so, we kneel — not in humble submission, but in awe of this sacred capitalist artifact. A Bible with Trump’s name atop it isn’t a desecration; it’s a correction. After all, as Pastor Buck Denial reminds us, "God doesn't choose the qualified; He qualifies the chosen. And Trump? Trump is overqualified." Amen.