A Trump Resort in Gaza: A Glorious and Holy Calling

By the Rev. Dale E. Happysock, Coalition of Eternal Outrage and Extremely Fragile Egos

Brethren, Sisters, and the Easily Offended,

It has come to my attention that a vision — yes, a heavenly vision—has taken root in the form of a proposed Trump resort on the hallowed shores of Gaza. I know what you’re thinking: Why Gaza? To that, I say, Why not Gaza? Did our Lord not say in the Book of Pretzelians 2:10, “Lo, I shall build thee a golden timeshare on the dunes, and it shall be glorious unto thine bank account”? The answer is clearly yes, He did.

Lo, I shall build thee a golden timeshare on the dunes, and it shall be glorious unto thine bank account.
-Pretzelians 2:10

Now, before you heathens and latte-drinking skeptics clutch your pearls, let us consult the Word of God — or at least the parts of it that align with our narrative. The Good Book (or rather, the Deluxe Edition with annotations by yours truly) foretells this endeavor. In Conspicuoustians 5:14, it is written, “And the chosen shall tan upon the sands, sipping mango elixirs, for they are blessed, and their enemies shall weep into the sea.” Friends, does this not sound like divine endorsement of an all-inclusive beachfront resort? It does.

And the chosen shall tan upon the sands, sipping mango elixirs, for they are blessed, and their enemies shall weep into the sea.
-Conspicuoustians 5:14

Some may argue, “Reverend, isn’t this sacrilege?” To which I respond, “You dare question the Holy Orange One?” Donald J. Trump —anointed by both votes and vague prophecies from conspiracy-laden corners of the Internet — is a man destined to bring peace through capitalism. And what better way to achieve peace in the Middle East than by erecting a resort complete with a golf course, spa, and nightly fireworks, all set to the soothing sound of waves crashing on sacred sands?

Consider, too, the economic boon! Think of the souvenir shops selling MAGA prayer shawls, the camel rides for tourists priced at exactly $45 (a number of divine significance, as it was Trump’s presidency number), and the inevitable influx of pilgrims coming to behold the site where Trump may or may not have had a revelation during a sandstorm. Gaza shall become the Las Vegas of the Levant, as prophesied in Capitalisms 2:12: “And the deserts shall bloom with slot machines and neon lights, and all shall rejoice.”

And lest anyone forget, our Lord Himself had a penchant for hospitality. Did He not multiply loaves and fishes? Did He not turn water into wine, the ancient precursor to a fully stocked resort bar? Truly, if Christ were alive today, He would not only endorse this resort — He would stay there in the Presidential Suite (using, of course, a promo code for disciples).

And the deserts shall bloom with slot machines and neon lights, and all shall rejoice.
-Capitalisms 2:12

I call on all believers to embrace this holy endeavor. Yes, there will be opposition. Some will claim that this is a crass display of wealth in a region rife with suffering. But to them, I say, “Have ye no faith?” For does it not say in Hubristians 7:7, “Blessed are those who build high rises in low places, for theirs is the kingdom of Marriott rewards”?

So let us rally behind this righteous mission. Let the Trump Gaza Riviera stand as a beacon of hope, a sanctuary for the faithful, and a reminder that holiness and high-thread-count sheets can indeed coexist. And if the skeptics persist in their disbelief, I shall pray for them — right after I book my all-inclusive stay.

Blessed are those who build high rises in low places, for theirs is the kingdom of Marriott rewards.
-Hubristians 7:7

Yours in eternal outrage and fragile egos,
Rev. Dale E. Happysock