A Defense of the Anointed Leader's Righteous Indignation

By Reverend Dale E. Happysock

Dear Brothers, Sisters, and Nonbinary Congregants in the Everlasting Light of Righteous Indignation,

I come to you today as Reverend Dale E. Happysock, your humble servant at the helm of the Coalition of Eternal Outrage and Extremely Fragile Egos, to address a grievous assault on our sacred values. By now, you’ve surely heard about Bishop Mariann Edgar Budde’s heretical sermon, a diatribe so blasphemous, so riddled with kindness and compassion, that our beloved President, Donald J. Trump, had no choice but to defend God Himself from such sanctimonious treachery.

Let me be clear: Trump’s criticism of Bishop Budde is not an attack on Christianity. It is the highest form of Christianity. After all, did not the Good Book say, "Blessed are the thin-skinned, for they shall inherit the Twitter algorithm"? (Social Media Gospel 3:16). And what greater act of Christian charity could there be than defending our Lord from the audacity of a woman—a woman! —who dared to speak about love, humility, and justice as though they mattered?

Bishop Budde’s sermon was an affront to all true believers who understand that Jesus’s teachings were not, as she suggests, a call to love thy neighbor, but rather a divine endorsement of property values, strong borders, and the occasional tear-gassing of a crowd to make way for a Bible photo op. Remember, friends, our Savior didn’t overturn the tables of the money changers in the temple out of outrage; He was simply reorganizing the market to attract a better class of clientele. That’s why Trump’s critique of Bishop Budde’s misguided sermon is so vital. He is, in many ways, the ultimate interpreter of Scripture—the King James Version by way of a gold-plated escalator.

Let us revisit Bishop Budde’s so-called “sermon,” in which she espoused dangerously un-American ideas like caring for the poor and welcoming the stranger. Has she never read the Holy Scriptures? Does she not know that Jesus said, "Thou shalt cut thy tax rates and privatize thy social programs, for the free market shall provide abundantly for the meek, so long as the meek have decent credit”? (Reaganomics 4:12). Her naive misinterpretation of the Word threatens the very foundation of our faith-based capitalism.

Bishop Budde also spoke of peace and reconciliation—dangerous notions in a world where the righteous are called to smite their enemies with online memes and performative outrage. Did not the Apostle Paul write, "Though I tweet with the tongues of angels, but have not clapbacks, I am become as a hashtag trending briefly"? (Second Opinions 13:1). Trump’s rebuke of her is not divisive; it is Biblical. For we are commanded to divide the sheep from the goats, the righteous from the woke, and the ‘Merry Christmas’ enthusiasts from the Happy Holiday heretics.

Some have questioned the president’s use of a Bible as a prop during his famous photo-op in front of St. John’s Church. These critics fail to see the theological profundity of that moment. Trump’s brandishing of the Holy Book was a modern-day reenactment of David wielding the sling—only instead of slaying Goliath, he was metaphorically smiting the liberal media and anyone who questions the sanctity of law enforcement’s rubber bullets. The Bible, held aloft in his hands, became a beacon of hope, signaling to all that true faith is not about reading Scripture but about ensuring it matches the drapes in your gilded penthouse.

Bishop Budde’s sermon also decried Trump’s actions as lacking humility and grace. Such audacity! Humility is for losers. Did not Jesus Himself declare, "Verily I say unto thee, blessed are the dealmakers, for they shall MAGA"? (Book of Negotiations 7:11). Trump’s boldness is a mirror of divine confidence—a beacon for all who believe that meekness is fine in theory but disastrous for polling numbers.

And let us not forget Trump’s sacred role as the Chosen One. If you squint while looking at a solar eclipse, you can almost see his divine aura—or at least the remarkable self-tanner that shields him from mere mortal scrutiny. As the Psalmist wrote, "Thou preparest a golf course before me in the presence of mine enemies; my Diet Coke runneth over" (Palm Springs 23:4).

So I implore you, dear flock, to stand with Trump as he bravely defends our faith from the Buddes of this world, who would lead us astray with their radical notions of empathy and justice. Let us remember the true Gospel, as passed down through the ages by televangelists, pundits, and branding experts: that salvation is not about love or sacrifice, but about winning—and making sure the losers know it.

In closing, I leave you with these comforting words of Scripture: "And lo, the righteous shall build walls, tweet storms, and refuse to turn the other cheek, for verily I say unto you, God helps those who help themselves to seconds at the Mar-a-Lago buffet” (Self-Righteous 45:45).

Amen, and God Bless America—but only the parts we like.

Yours in perpetual outrage,

Reverend Dale E. Happysock
Coalition of Eternal Outrage and Extremely Fragile Egos